Impasse

So here I am again. For almost a year now, I have been trying to break free from the rut that work has holed me in. Turning down a supposedly sweet deal back in 2010 was a liberating experience for me though a hefty price came along with it - professional stagnation. I longed for more work action, more mind-arresting tasks and taking on an administrative role felt like that it will curtail the dynamism that I have in me. Plans were shared in the context of being off-the-record, but, sadly, my words were used against me - betrayal reared its ugly head and the downward spiral commenced with no end in sight.

I have been meaning to pull out of that black hole but it seems that its hold is just so forceful. I have struggled with too many sleepless nights and I have shed one too many unnecessary tears; it's about goddamn time for all these madness to stop.

To most, I appear as a whiny bitch, but they don't have the slightest grasp of the immense struggle that I have to contend with. Everyone's frustration about what is happening to my life could not be compared to the magnitude of my disappointment that I have with myself. Bored and impatient? Well, I'm doubly bored and impatient with how things are going. I, too, wonder when will things turn rosier for me.

Coming into 2012, the one thing keeping my hopes high up dealt me my first bout with sadness. My giddiness and optimism have soon weaned after hints of unlikelihood have manifested. After almost a month of waiting, I just feel so tired, the agony of waiting took its toll.

Right now, I am once again trying to salvage what's left of my broken esteem and trying to work with what I have. Ugly storms have come and gone, and if there's one thing that I'm good at, it is surviving the whole ordeal still in one piece, albeit a little weathered.  

Oh, well. Must keep dreaming, hoping and doing.