goodbye

this is it.

this is the part where i say, "this has got to stop."

the signs were all over the place.

there was really no point in trying.

this is goodbye.

one for the road

lately, i'm thinking that maybe i'm way to comfortable with being single. not that that is a bad thing, it's just that i'm a bit used to hanging out by my lonesome - twenty-six years into the world with not even one person to call a significant other could do that. i am afraid that if someone comes along, i'll end up hating his guts for throwing my otherwise humdrum existence off-balance.

given that the average life expectancy of filipino women is about 75 years, i must say that a good 35% of my life has been dedicated to cultivating a deep relationship with me, myself and i. in context, that number is pretty much a solid one considering that it is during those inclusive years that patterns are established, behaviors are developed, convictions are settled into. pretty much everything's all worked out for me to live out and make a habit of. over and over, i make my way into the hazy maze of life with just my shadow to keep me company. having been used to operating alone most of the time, i feel that it would find it very difficult to make concessions in a lot of aspects of my life. i love being free. i love owning my time. i love that i don't have too ask permission from someone else to do something.

but i also think that i maybe i just think too much. i think too much that i end up scaring myself, saying and worrying about things that should not have been raised as a point of contention in the first place.the defensive streak is just too much for an otherwise non-issue item off my bored head.

this too much thinking and worrying has got to stop. right now. time for a new outlook to take on.

for you, and with you, many times over

i remember i had this conversation with two of my good friends exactly a year ago about what lengths we would go through for the one we love. we were bored and we had time to spare so we sat ourselves on the balcony of g4 while sipping coffee and mulling over our stories for sharing.

now, i can't explicitly remember if they said something about throwing in a line or two while performing the act but, being the theatrical me, i have just the perfect idea plus the killer line to deliver ready and waiting, laying hidden somewhere in the deepest recesses of my mind - long been planned just never had the slighest chance to put into action.

what i have in mind was a scene borne out of a then-current fad - zipline. nothing grand, nothing fancy, just some cables suspended in mid-air, running from one hill to another, nothing standing in between but a deep and craggy abyss. oohhh, i'm scared.

but really, i am. you see, i am an acrophobic. i am extremely and irrationally afraid of heights. one floor up is my threshold. anything more than that makes me clammy and nervous and wish that my mommy or my daddy was there to hold my hand. when inside the mall or any buildings for that matter, i never get close to the ledge especially the see-through ones because they give me the chills and sucks out the air in me, nest thing you'll know, i've gone zobkers. it's so high, i'm gonna die!

it is a great deal for me to perform something that has to do with very high places. and to do this for him-whom-i-have-yet-to-meet-oh-where-art-though requires a huge leap of faith & fate ( i am a sucker for symbolism, go ahead, sue me). i need not take one step to meet my doom - i just have to stand near the edge long enough for my nerves to go on overdrive and sap out my courage and my consciousness. but because of his comforting presence, his insistence to do it with me and his unwavering hold on my hand throughout the ordeal, i'll gladly take the plunge. i will let the thrill of jump consume me for i have nothing to worry because i have him on my side. at the end of it all, all my fears cast aside, i will smile and i will tell him that for him, and with him, i'd glady do it many times over.

dorky & overly dramatic, that is how i would best describe my tale. turns out i'm not the only one out there who was thinking that that's the way it has to be... :)

if not us, then who?

the philippines is still a place worth living in. professor monsod, you make me want to be a better person, a better Filipino. thank you for reminding us. mabuhay ka!

tag, you're dead (for like 2 seconds lang naman)!

watching himym made me excited about laser tag. it was a lot of fun watching barney and robin slug it out with the kiddos just to win bragging rights off something that is so trivial!

okay, i digress.

it was a shared first experience for the 6 of us - rache, french, lily, ralph, moi and i. we never knew what to expect when we volunteered for this activity. well, all that we know is that it was supposed to be fun. to put it bluntly, we got so much more than what we bargained for. it was soooo awesome (to borrow himym's favorite phrase)!

laser tag is like the new paintball and airsoft - tactics game only safer. it's super cool! when we first saw the rates, we were like, "15 minutes lang? super saglit lang nun!" but, lo and behold! hingal kabayo kami when the game was over, as in, tagatak ang pawis talaga! there were other people in our session so we ended up teaming up against them - green team kami, pink sila. when we got inside the arena, hala takbo! hahahahaha... we didn't even pause to strategize. we were just pointing and shooting to whomever was near enough to tag! :) adrenaline rush to the max.

when the game was over and we went to check the stats, we held our hopes high. feeling namin ang galing-galing at ang dami-daming na tag! hahahaha... we ended up second. individually, i ranked 12th out the 14 who played. hahahahaha...

but it was really super fun! after our first venture, we got the best surprise when we were told na we have a free game that we can avail that same night! thank you BPI for the perks! :)

during our second game, when it was just the six of us inside the arena, all hell broke loose! hahahahaha... all reminders were forgotten - no running, no climbing, no shouting, no cursing - kami ata ni french ang pinaka-guilty dito. :) best part, i ranked first after the game. second best part, i won a glass of iced tea. ngayon lang ako naging thankful of winning a glass of something to drink kasi super uhaw na talaga ako afterwards.

dinner was great. in fairness, masarap ang food nang gilligan's, ngayon ko lang sila na-appreciate. ang daming food. as in. didn't get the chance to chill and drink a little because i wasn't really feeling well that morning. was not about to push my luck since i have to pick up my sister and drive home pa.

best team activity so far! super, super fun and sulit! :)

unheard from

okay. so i've been a wee bit busy attending to school stuff that my beloved soundboard looks so bare and lonely without my too-often-than-not rantings and musings. no worries, everything will go back to normal once the term is over. just need to write three papers and to review for two final exams. waaah! :(

two words: major cramming!

blabfest shall take a hiatus for the meantime.

hi 5!

marshall, lily, ted, robin and barney. my new favorite fivesome!

it takes very little effort to keep me hooked on one thing - it just have to have the right combination of wit and humor, enough to keep me entertained for weeks on end. and 'how i met you mother' was just right off the bat.

friends have been talking about it and have been suggesting it for me to watch. one friend even had the bar that we used to hang out a lot in makati alluded to the bar in the series, maclaren's. i keep on stumbling upon episodes of the series on the cable channels distributing it. so, there was only little time left before my interest becomes aroused. and then i realized that the series has been sitting in my hard drive for quite some time. a cousin copied seasons 1 & 4 of the series into the drive along with the many mp-4 movies that i asked from her - so generous of her!

so it was during one of those super uneventful days that i decided to give the series a try. i even got my sister to join me just to have someone to share the drama and the laughter with. it was around half past 10 when we were introduced to the awesome fivesome. the story, told backwards, was about the quest of ted in finding "the one" who would soon become the mother of his 2 kids to whom he was talking to at the beginning of the show. ably helped out by his four awesome and legendary friends, he stakes out the dating scene with much optimism that he could muster in order to find his true love and build his happily ever after story.

the pilot was a refreshing one since it immediately ruled out the possibility of ted having a happy ending with the career-driven robin, one of the lead females, though by the looks of it, they would hook up eventually. i also got to meet marshall and lily, a lovely and dynamic couple of nine years, who are almost always so sweet that sometimes it's irritating, and of course, barney, the ultimate playboy and the life of the bunch.

it was such a great start that it left us wanting for more doses of the gang's witty retorts and hilarious antics. having said this, i knew i am hooked and that i'll never get to really focus on anything unless i get a fill of the fivesome. we got around to watching 5 episodes more before calling it legen-wait for it-dary night!

hello, lonely days

nothing to do, nowhere to be,
a simple little kind of free...

okay, times like these really do come. even john mayer gets to be stuck in these kind of moments.

so, what to do to combat the blues?

snip, snip goes the scissors. a bit radical, but hey, if cutting your hair makes you feel better, then by all means snip it! but on a more logical note, you can always start by playing a bit with your bangs, lest you wanted to end up looking like a prisoner-on-his-way-to-serving-his-death-sentence or a japanime character gone haywire after the deed has been done.

dance like there's no tomorrow. so what if your body can't handle a beat? who cares? no-freaking-body! bust a move. let your body flow to the rhythm. lose yourself in the music and you'll never get to entertain the blues again because you'll be too worn-out to think about it.

talk just to get it out. it pays to have a friend who can and will listen to your rantings and frustrations, one who will be kind enough to tolerate your venting. but even if the time does not permit you to find one when needed, you can always tell your story in various forms. pull a piece of paper, scribble down your thoughts. grab your phone and type away your musings. once you let it all out, you'll feel better. much like what i am doing right now.

breathe then smile because there is nothing better left to do. once the negative vibe has been released, you'll feel a whole lot better if you just smile. smiling only takes a few muscles to achieve, plus it lifts your face and make you look younger, happier and positive. it's also a well known fact that smiling is a highly contagious action. who knows, you might help put out the loneliness in other people's lives.

boredom

Everybody's caught up in their own stories and i'm left alone on the sidelines to watch and ponder what's going to happen next.

I wonder when will my story reach its most interesting part?

when will it be me?

it's been ten years since i took the UPCAT! grabe, that day seems so far away! well, actually, it is. hello, ten years is quite some time, it's a decade! nyahahahaha... ang tanda ko na!

well, dwelling on the topic of time passing, while browsing through facebook, i noticed that quite a handful of my high school batchmates have one of the following: 1) a kid; 2) a hubby; 3) a hubby and a kid; or 4) a significant other. looking at them makes me pause and think if i am missing something.

my relationship counter is still on zero dial, hence there is no one to call my better half, let alone, an s.o.! obviously, people i know would raise an eyebrow if someone tells them that i was seen lugging around a mini-me. how could that be possible? immaculate conception? beats me.

when i look at their photos, they all seem happy. they all seem to have a certain glow about their eyes. it's as if they have found a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow! i would smile and feel happy for them. but after a few minutes, jealousy would rear its ugly head. jealous, not in a way that i-would-wish-them-ill-because-they-suck-all-the-happiness-in-the-world-thereby-reducing-me-into-a-pathetic-self-pitying-singleton but a bit envious because they get to live out the very best part of life right here, right now by playing out the roles that they were cut out to act on.

when bitchiness strikes, i would retort that i am not the one on the losing end. i get to go places without anyone holding me back. i get to burn money without having to feel guilty. i am not at the mercy of anyone. but these things, they lose their charm. after a while, the freedom is no longer as inviting as it used to be. you long to be tied down, to be tamed, to be owned.

but i guess, for the moment, it's for everybody else other than me. circumstances are not on my side. if it happens, then it happens but until then i will wait with bated breath.

palagi na lang bang sayang?

saw the re-run of the ust-up game this afternoon. we lost. as usual. what's new?

it really is heartbreaking to see the State U squad slug it out on the court but end up disappointing not just the whole UP community but also themselves. pero ganun eh. when they are ahead, they always lose their steam during the most crucial moments of the game. when they are down, they would wait for the margin to be as big as 20 points before they would breakout and start to hussle. they would get the points but time would not be on their side. palagi na lang kinakapos.

they have a very intact core. the boys are not lacking in height. they have shooters who can really nail the shots. they have a lot of well-thought of plays. san ba sumasablay? execution. kulang pa eh. good but not enough.

it all started with a dream...

trailer pa lang, i knew that i am going to watch the movie and end up loving it. and i was not disappointed. it made me pause, it made me gasp, it made me draw a sharp intake of breath, it left me wide-eyed, it got me thinking - hard!

i'm not going to pretend that all of it sunk in, but from what i was able to pick up and put together, it was all too much to think of that it leaves me wanting for an encore!

everything started with a dream. how it ends, it's up to you to decide. is the dream a sufficient replacement of reality or is reality a better way to live out your dreams?

brilliant, brilliant film. intelligent storyline. amazing ensemble of actors. freakishly genius mind of a director.

this.is.my.nirvana.

for entertaining me, for arousing the prober in me, for sending my brain into overdrive, thank you so much, christopher nolan!

dang it!

Is this how the end feels? Empty. That even in the company of a million faces, you are still alone?

I have a lot of time on my hands but I can't do the things that I want to do. I am not at a liberty to do so. I am bound by the rules of the corporate house that I am in.

I am thinking of walking away. Again. It maybe a cowardly thing to do but I just feel like taking the easy way out - to just throw caution in the wind.

I want to. I want to. I want to. But I can't. Because things are not as simple as it seems.

alaala

i am currently busy salvaging old pictures from my friendster account and transferring them to my multiply page.

i was thinking of shutting down my friendster page but, for posterity's sake, decided not to. it's fun to look at how i used to be - how i acted, responded, how young and naive i was... :p

this.is.love.

apple iPhone 4 is out! how can you not fall in love? :)




the design has been tweaked to welcome a more business-like feel - goodbye contours, hello angles! it still is offered in ebony and ivory colors, but now storage was expanded quadruple times than the original offering, 32GB baby!

and let me not get started with its other enhancements. the phone is now equipped with a 5-megapixel camera with LED-flash that can take clear pictures even in the most darkest conditions and can capture moments in high definition! the phone also allows in-unit editing via the iMovie app.

video-calling is also made possible in this genius of an invention with the addition of a front panel camera that works much like video chat - where you can see your face alongside the screen of the person that you are talking to.

best of all, it is now possible to multitask for all apps! talk about working without any interruptions!

it is simply freaking amazing!

what's not to love?

oh well, the price. but then, one could simply turn the other way when you talk about matters of the pocket since this is a worthwhile financial and technological endeavor! imagine, a smartphone, a camera, an mp3 player, a gaming console, a notepad, a calculator, a recorder - what more can anyone ask for?

In sickness and in health

During a train ride, a cousin mentioned something about a restaurant in Sikatuna Village in Quezon City that she and a couple of classmates wanted to visit. She was interested in the establishment primarily because of its name and of the amusing tidbits that go with it. Add to the fact the she is a Psych major and disorders are what keep her awake at night, hence the fascination to put the plan into fruition.

It got me intrigued at first, but seeing that nobody in the office shares this curiosity, the interest quickly waned.

Fast forward to now, a friend of a friend mentioned this place and, again, my attention was caught – hook, line and sinker

Van Gogh is Bipolar is creating quite a buzz among QC residents, students and yuppies alike, as well as to the population at large. More than the food that this place serves, what makes this place entirely appealing is its different approach to enhancing its guests’ dining experiences. Whether it be the resto’s quirky marketing strategy, its funky ambiance or simply because of its mouth-watering menu, this place is simply a must-visit! And visit, we will!

*Photos borrowed from http://share.ovi.com/album/OurAwesomePlanet.VanGoghBipolar

singleton

minsan masarap mag-isa.
nagagawa mo yung gusto mo.
hawak mo ang oras mo.
hindi nakaasa sa iba ang kasiyahan mo.

pero mahirap din pala ang mag-isa.
wala kang makausap.
wala kang makasama.
ang iyong kasiyahan, wala kang mapagbahagian.

ramblings

why am i even writing this? to know that everything that came and went really happened, that it was real - at least for my part.

yes, i like you. starting from the day that you let your guard down, when you introduced who you really are - your imperfections, your angst, your dreams, your fears, your resentments and resolutions, your failures and successes.

you are my equal. you did not falter when i tried to scare you. you stood your ground and humbled me in ways you'll never know. you matched my pace even when i was trying to run away from you. i stared, you stared.

i miss you. i miss hearing the truths that come out of your mouth. i miss the beauty that radiates through your eyes. i miss everything about you.

but this is by far the most that i can do, ramble without you having even a tiny speck of knowledge about it. because this isn't about you, it's about me. and how i deal with my fears.

backstreet's back alright!

the boys are back! and they were here in Manila! on my birthday! weeeeeee! :)

tick tock...

time goes by ever so fast...

i just celebrated my 26th birthday last saturday and it got me reminiscing about the year that just zoomed by. my silver year was an emotionally-charged one, thank goodness it's over! the quarter yearmark brought in a lot of professional heartaches and a lot of surprises - my grad school acceptance at UPSE, the welcoming of Hermes, and my transfer to a new post within my group. it ushered in new relationships that holds promise but also bore witness to a handful of goodbyes. it was pivotal, a turning point time for me.

after everything, i am perpetually hoping that i am inching my way to be the person that i ought to be, a better version of me, a person that i could be proud of. sana, sana, sana, i am on the right path.